Asshole.

I’m going to preface this post by saying that there is nothing right about it. It’s all wrong. I mean, wait. Don’t misunderstand; it’s all accurate, but it’s wrong. So wrong.

My kid is an asshole. And I say this with complete confidence because I know that all 4-year-olds are assholes. I know it. I have done enough primary and secondary research to be able to definitively make this statement. And I have evidence, too. Plenty of it. So, don’t start with how awesome they are and how cute and loving and whatever. I know. I hear your counter-argument and I respectfully disagree.

I offer you these examples. Read them and then see if you can really stand there and tell me that 4-year-olds are not assholes. Go ahead.

  1. When I am trying to walk somewhere, he decides he wants to walk in the exact same place and doesn’t give a shit that someone else is trying to walk there, too. I am forced to hold his head with my hand to keep him in one place so I can squeeze through the doorframe before him. Then…
  2. …he complains that I messed up his hair when I was trying to pass him.
  3. On his way to do anything I have asked him to do, and after he has asked the mandatory “how come?” at least twice, he takes baby steps to do it. With a pouty face on like I am asking him to shoot the neighbor’s dog instead of go pee before he puts his clothes on.
  4. From the back seat: “Put my music on!” “I can’t HEAR it!”
  5. Interrupting.
  6. Interrupting.
  7. Interrupting.

There is, of course, more. But I’m gonna let Louis CK explain the rest of it to you. This is in no way safe for work. Or children. Or anyone who doesn’t have kids, frankly. There’s a lot of cursing. And oh so much truth.

(The relevant part is between 3:17 and 5:28.)
The Kids Do You In

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